Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
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Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.