My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
uncle dave has been through hell
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
everyone’s a critic
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
When you let grandma cat sit
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh