Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers