“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE