My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
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Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Oh boy, $150,000!
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*