I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
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I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
my professor scared me for a second
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!