DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
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“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”