Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
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a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.