If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.