I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
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“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Erm I’m gonna say no
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
this chia pet tastes awful
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
This will never not be funny 😭
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married