There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
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[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Danger is very dangerous
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.