“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
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“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master