There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
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[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Human are so complicated
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
figuring out my emotional availability:
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread