baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then