Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
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Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
PARKOUR
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist