i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
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DATE鈥橲 FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don鈥檛 think you underst-
ME: Launch馃憦pad馃憦Mc馃憦Quack馃憦
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 馃檨
How many games did you play already?馃槄
#chessmeme
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you鈥檙e single!
Me: Yeah I don鈥檛 know. They鈥檙e crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting