I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.