Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
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Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.