I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
You Might Also Like
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Every haunted house movie:
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”