Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
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i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Every haunted house movie:
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING