When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.