4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
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North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Why are bridges so flammable.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”