Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
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We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.