the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
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If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.