Bring back the McRib
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.