I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go