I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out