I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*