Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
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If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct