*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
You Might Also Like
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.