Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
You Might Also Like
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
the noise i just made
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.