”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”