Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Cinematography is my passion
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.