I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Good dog. ❤️
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.