How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
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I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday