An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
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#damn
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.