DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!