I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.