10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
This is the best one I’ve seen
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones