woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
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Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.