As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
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5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
She was REALLY feeling it.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”