‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
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I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
A new level of troll.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything