Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
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Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Did I do this right
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”