I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Haha! 😂
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
jesus, what did this guy do
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.