Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
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Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.