Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
constantly working on myself.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.