If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
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angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Cartman: Respect my
a a
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.