I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
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Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Duck typos.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.