Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
🏙👨🏼
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
North and South
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross