My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.